The Top 7 Things We Learned From Last Night’s
7 Things We Learned From Last Night’s Game of Thrones!
Fellow Bannermen, Bannerwomen, and White Walkers, Sunday’s episode had Sansa discovering that there’s more than one way to skin a cat… lady, Cersei going directily to jail and not collecting $200, and Jorah Mormont trying to win Daenerys back rom com style. Without further ado, here are the 7 things we learned (spoilers!):
1. Sam protects Gilly from getting raped. Well, Sam and the dire wolf Ghost. Okay, 10% Sam, 90% Ghost. Okay, 100% Ghost, but A+ for trying Sam.
After Maester Aemon dies spouting nonsense about his brother Aeg (could he mean another Aeg? Like Rhaegar’s son Aeg? Was he saying Egg aka Ann from Arrested Development? Will the Bluths rule the Iron Throne?), Ser Allisaurus tells Samwise Gamgee (seriously, they’re like the exact same character) that he can’t sit at their lunch table anymore. After the Rocksteady and Beebop of Castle Black try to rape Gilly, Sam gets nearly killed trying to defend her. Luckily, Ghost comes to their rescue.
After multiple seasons worth of sexual tension, Sam finally gets some Wildling action. Stay in school, kids. Being smart gets you laid. The more you crow!
2. Tyene Sand is the prettiest of them all.
The Sand Snakes and Bronn are thrown into adjacent drunk tanks for brawling, and after Bronn sings a song about how Dornish women are the prettiest, Tyene “Regina George” Sand says “actually I’m the Beyonce this side of the Narrow Sea.” Bronn’s like “hate to burst your bubble, but I know one girl who is a total nine and a half. Wait, why do I feel drunk?” Apparently, Tyene’s dagger had poison on its edge when it cut Bronn, and after giving Bronn a strip show, and bribing him with the antidote, he’s finally like “fine, you’re like the best can I please have that Gatorade or whatever that is?” If I were a betting man, I’d say these two are going to get married.
“I won Miss Dorne three times in a row.”
3. Sansa finds out that her husband Ramsay likes to skin people alive, which totally wasn’t on his OkCupid profile. Maybe his profile name FlayMinion666 should have tipped her off.
Sansa, who cannot catch a break ever, tries to communicate with Brienne of Tarth via the old lady in town by having Reek, I mean Theon, I mean Reek (which one is it now?) light a candle in that tower to let everyone know the British are coming, only to discover Ramsay already waiting for him. Of course, he blabs, and another Stark fan bites the dust due to the Boltons in horrific fashion.
4. Melisandre keeps trying to get Stannis to murder innocent people.
Stannis totally tries to get to third base with Melisandre, who’s like “maybe, but first you know ole fish face?” Stannis is like “are you calling my daughter a fish face?” Mel says, “yeah, her. Kill her first and maybe I’ll add you on Snapchat.” Stannis is like “I just called you an Uber, you need to leave before my roommates come back.”
5. Melisandre gives Margaery’s cell a call.
Cersei pretends to try and help Margaery after promising Tommen she would deal with the High Sparrow. Instead, she rubs Margaery’s incarceration in her face… her beautiful face (damn it, Tim. Stay on target). My dormant Dormer feelings aside, Cersei pulls a Real Housewives move of being totally friendly to Margaery before slamming the door behind her.
6. After watching Gladiator a few too many times, Ser Jorah tries to pull a Maximus to win back Daenerys, and why yes it backfires terribly.
After being bought and sold on MereenBay, Jorah, who had originally escaped Westeros because he traded slaves, gets a nearly lethal dose of irony poisoning and is forced to fight in the pits as someone in bondage. No, not that kind of bondage. He tries to show off his in front Daenerys who got matinee tickets with her fiance, but before he can give her his mixtape Now That’s What I Khaleesi Music Volume IX, she’s like “we are never, ever, ever getting back together,” he’s like I brought you a gift, she’s like “is it earrings like I wanted?” he’s like no, it’s a dwarf, and Tyrion’s like, “uh, my name is Tyrion.”
“Sorry, but there’s no return policy.”
7. After giving pretty limitless power to a guy dressed like Dobby the House Elf, Cersei is thrown into jail surprising no one.
In this game of chess, the Bishop totally just took the Queen. That’s right, the High Sparrow plays the Queen Mother for a fool after she visits Margaery in her cell, and is like “oh, cool, nice digs… you don’t have to pay utilities? Wow, I’m so jelly.” When she comes to the napkin-wearing priest, he’s like “hey, remember that time you cheated on your husband with your cousin?” Cersei scans the room, possibly looking for a jug of wine to chug, before she’s taken away to a cell, which already has Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan inside.